Anybody been watching this televisual feast? We're at the stage where we have found two semi finalists, one of which was a lady from Birmingham called Dennice, she's been the best one for me so far, the other semi finalist is only a young lad but shows tons of promise. Unfortunately the majestic Michel Roux Jr. isn't co-presenting this one so we have the auld partnership of Greg Wallace and John Torrode sorting the wheat from the chaff, and to be fair there has been alot of chaff to be found in this series, the standard isn't very high so far with some extremely dubious looking dishes on show, the most alarming being a chorizo and mango tart prepared by a woman who had clearly taken all leave of her senses?

There was a great moment in the first week where some bloke did this crap dish, well it was complicated and a tad messy, and he said to Greg Wallace as he tasted it it.."Sometimes I'm just a bit too Cheffy" to which Wallace replied.."I don't think you're being cheffy at all mate" the blokes face was as red as his over-reduced cranberry jus.

I like it but can't stand the two c**** who present it.
They talk too loud. It annoys me.

C****

Love it.

Pork and mussels though, what was that about?

I like the overuse of the word 'passion' by TheToad, but like Mr Lobster, I lament the lack of hardcore Roux Jr action.

Yeah watched it all so far and the girl from Brum will win it for sure,her beef stock reduction was erm..different gravy.

I like John and Greg,but I prefer the Greg / Michel combo with fries.

I'm not sure how much tougher this competition can get though because at the start of each show we're informed that 'cooking doesn't get tougher than this' but then when the contestants go to cook in the pro kitchen Greg comes up with a statement like 'Ok this is where the competition get's much tougher'

They should try one of Mrs Sussex's fillet steaks because believe me 'cooking just doesn't get tougher than this'...unfortunately.


A fan
Sussex.

Perhaps you should get her do a different cut Rich? Wouldn't you like to get your lips around a nice big juicy rump loike?

"I'm from Slough so naturally I'm very competetive"..

How shoite were they today?

Branston beans on toast would have seen you through to the quarters.

But that was just an a pair of teef for Heston Blumental taken on Little Chef. Who was the biggest idiot in that? Only episode 2 will help me decide.

Yes, incredibly poor standard last night Dave. The woman that won was the only one that made anything I would have eaten and her stuff was very simple though well cooked. Nobody there to compete with Dennice, who Is by far the outstanding chef so far.

That bloke with the face that made Tevez look attractive who took a bite out of a carrot then put it back on the plate should have won purely for entertainment value. I was looking forward to his 'bit of cheese on a cracker' creation in the semi's.

I feel robbed..

And that woman who I quoted earlier! What was she on about? Are all people from Slough competetive? Is it because of the success of Gervais' The office that they feel they have to perform? And where, siblings, does she get her crack cocaine from?

< Me watching a fat feck describing his half eaten carrot, potato and half pound of butter as the healthy option. TV gold I tells thee.

Agreed. The half grated slab of butter is in Panja's all-timers..

"You thought it was cheese didn't you?"



Fkn brilliant..

Does anyone else get irritated when the pro chef slings a whole plate of food in the bin just because it's been sliced a tad too thick? If I'd ordered it I'd say 'Hold on a minute,I can handle pork cut to 5mm thickness rather than 4.5mm,I'll have it for half price thank you very much' in my best cockney accent of course 'But I think I'll give the half eaten carrot a miss ta'

I am so glad he went out straight away. I actually felt physically sick looking at his fat, red, greasy face. He really was a repulsive specimen The half-eaten carrot thing was unreal, absolutely disgusting!

Yes last nights was a poor standard but quite enterataining, I actually punched the air in delight when the saleswoman from Slough who was naturally competitive found her tart fall apart which looked like it broke her heart? Get back to your telesales job you over-butterer of pastry! Pizza-face man was just fabulous as has already been mentioned, I think his grated butter and nibbled carrot will become apart of MasterChef folklore and will be in the anecdote amourary of Wallace and Torrode for many a year to come?

Rich, seriously I think it's ethically wrong that these spoilt head chefs simply throw away a perfectly good plate of food when people are starving? These fancy resturaunts should have a sort of 'bargain bucket' where all the under/over cooked duck or badly presented salads could be displayed for the fine dining punter on a budget loike?

Better tonight, but that bald chap with the goatee seemed a bit intense.

Big chap like that, crying. It's not right is it? But whisky crumble is.

He looked scarily like Ming the Merciless, until he started crying that is, then he looked like a big girl's blouse. Good cook though, could go all the way.

There was far too much couscous being bandied about in last nights early round for my liking? I thought Ming the Merciless (played by Charles Middleton I believe in the fillum?) was by far the better chef and a contender to our Dennices furry crown.

Just had a sausage and butter bean casserole prepared by Rainy and I'll tell you what siblings, nobody on MasterChef is beating that shit, not even Ming?

I've got organic pasta with a roasted peppers/red onion combo accompaniament mixed in with a soupcon of green pesto for my tea. But it doesn't end there, no, because i've been to the goats cheese purchasery store and bought me some of the finest goat curd this side of St brelade's bay and I've only gone and sliced it thinly and placed it atop of the pasta/peppers/red onion/pesto quad-combo and grilled it for five minutes until extra bubbly..


Yes my friend, shit was made to be beaten..

I've just had a deliberation of spiced lamb, with a myxmatosis of spicy chilli infused salsa, topped with a troubadour of seasonal salad all served in an Eastern Mediterrenean unlevened bread.

The wife is at the in-laws.

The shit to be beaten will be laid in a few minutes. Hurrah.

That's good Panj, that's very good. Let me elaborate a little more of the delights that Bluerain has just prepared and plated up in the alotted 50 minutes from scratch...The Casserole was infused with the wonderful flavours of dijon mustard, tomato passata, brandy, red wine, pancetta and finished with fresh thyme out of our own herb patch! Shit not beaten yet bonnie lad I am afraid!

Let's be honest for a minute here, lads, eh? A sausage stew and a kebab is not beating organic pasta/peppers/red onion/goats cheese is it? even if we do have the mediterranean away goal rule..

I'm about to preparedessert. Mediterranean fruits with a blackberry jus served in a bowl with a drizzle of plain yoghurt worn atop as a doffed cap..

Extra time and penalties not included..

You can get Muller Fruit Corners in Jersey then?

Be off with you.

Pretty much.

I was quite impressed with the standards of cooking by last night's three contestants at the Santori restaurant and bar (book early to avoid disappointment, group discounts available on request). Cooking scallops may look simple enough but to get them just right and thus avoid getting that flowery tatste often associated with overcooked shelled fruit de mar isn't easy..

But..

The skinny black girl's steaks looked magnificent didn't they? Cooked to perfection and displayed so beeyowtifully as to make this semi-vegetarian's mouth salivate with anticipatory delight..

That 'sausage stew' was a cassoulet comparable with anything you might find in the finest establishments in Toulouse mate, your cheese and crackers/muller corner combo just doesn't come within a country kilometre!

Haven't seen last night's episode yet but it is safely stored on Sky+ so we have the delights of a full hour and a half of Masterchef this evening. Heaven!

You leave my cheese and crackers/muller corner combo delight out of this, young lady. I'l have you know my appreciative stomach has got three michelin tyres around it..

To cook those steaks to order and to perfection every time was a true show of class.

Yes but her choice to serve pork with melon in the final cook off was the stuff of a madmans dreams.

I still think the brummie girl (Denise?) is a wafer thin biscuit ahead of the rest though.

Twasn't pork she was cooking, Suss, twas rabbit.

I can see why your mind would drift off to the word pork though, watching a woman handling raw meat an' all..

See,pork flavoured rabbit....the girls crazy.

I quite like the idea of a pork sword and melons combo meself.

I was right about the stuff of a madmans dreams bit then.

Piss-poor standard last night, by far the worst of the series. Greg even admitted that one of the contestants was the worst cook he had ever seen on the show. The girl that won would not have got anywhere near in any of the other programmes and I can't see her going any further. The one whose food we didn't get to see may have been the best cook ever but unfortunately he chopped the end of his thumb off"

Boiled potatoes, chick peas and bacon.

You've got to worry about these people's opinions of themselves!

Fairly decent stuff last night. I will be very suprised if Julian does not progress to the semi's tonight. He was a different gravy to the others last night. Might have to watch it tomorrow night though as I will be mostly watching Barcelona in the Coppa del Rei tonight.

Julian was very good, nice to see some traditional French cuisine on MasterChef for a change instead of mango on a bed of couscous complete with the mandatory rocket salad and shit?

Greg Wallace has got one heck of a paunch on him hasn't he? perk of the job I suppose loike?

I'm playing the Masterchef game on Monday. Every time someone says they're passionate about food I drink 3ml of beer. If anyone says that like to do simple food well I'll have a thimble of gin. And every time John The Toad disappoints me in a non-Roux Jnr type way I'll inject a picalitre of smack.

Should be a good night.

It's an excellent game isn't it Davey? Our rules are slightly different, whenever John Torrode says.."It needs more seasoning" then I kiss Bluerain on the forehead. Whenever any of the contestants says.."My dream is to one day open my own resturaunt" then I kiss Bluerain on the lips. Whenever Greg Wallace says.."That chocolate starfish needs basting with your tongue" Then I..

What the feck?

How the hell did that Angela get through to the semi-finals? She was the 'winner' from Monday nights show which was officially the worst standard on MasterChef...ever? Julian and Cheryl were by far the superior chefs in Thursday nights quarter final (which we only saw last night hence the tardiness of my sheer outrage) and perhaps they tried too hard to impress at too early a stage? But blimey, that Angela for starters BROUGHT IN a carpaggio of beef and just dressed it with some rocket (ARRGGHHH) and a little olive oil? Either Greg and John can see something that we can't or she sucks some serious winkle?

Another major miscarriage of justice as some daft bint who couldn't even cook a fillet of pork through somehow managed to win a place in tonights quarter finals. The only explanation we could think of was that she had also spent some time on her knees.

A very poor standard this week so far and nobody going through to the semi-finals tonight should be able to get anywhere near our two favourites, brummie Dennice and Ming the Merciless Matt.

There was far too much chest hair on display last night for my liking with one of the contestants even out-hairing the forest that John Terode keeps neatly stuffed inside his shirt.

That was a scandalous decision last night and I reckon you're right about the girl spending time on her knees.Did you see the way John was constantly giving her the eye throughout the show,followed by her taking a closer inspection of his japs eye after the cameras stopped rolling I'll warrant.Shocking.

I was amazed that they voted out John's fancy bit last night before she had time to cook / receive another pearl necklace.

In her defence though I thought her impression of Garth out of Waynes World was top notch loike.

Good standard last night, with last years waifs and strays making a comeback.

I thought they put the wrong lady-chef through, based purely on the annoying birth mark on her forehead, loike.

Come on Dave,what about the other lady-chefs bottom lip? It looked like a dried up prune and was far more disturbing than a small birth mark,annoying though it was.

Fair point Tricky, but the one who got put through had a strange accent and a set of teeth that look like they had been removed from Desert Orchid before his/her untimely death.

It's got nothing to do with the food any more has it?

I agree with Suss, the other girl was more disturbing to the eye and the ear with her accent. Especially to us southerners.

Those 2 presenting the show annoy me though.
Have I mentioned that?!

You'll be telling us you don't like No Country For Old Men next.

The Hovis-advert accent was just not acceptable either. No, it's not about the food any more is it?

Too right,daz.I was waiting for the subtitles to come up mesen loike.

And what about the bloke? he looked like the ugly older brother of that big dopey spastic out of The Goonies!